Movie Review: Slumdog Millionaire

Read on people, no spoilers in this review …

I am a big skeptic of movies. No matter how much it is hyped, or no matter how many positive or negative opinions have been said about it, I personally, always want to come out with a conclusion of my own. Now, since Indian Cinema halls always have a sort-of profit motive … They show only the rare hit English movies on a large scale basis in their halls. So there is not much to review related to Hollywood for me. But, praise the lord that Slumdog Millionaire was a hit, otherwise I wouldn’t have gotten to shut the mouths of the super, and I repeat SUPERBLY narrow-minded critics of it and I also wouldn’t have gotten to shut the over raters the fuck up.

Now, coming to the point, or the review of the movie itself … I must, before I start off with my ranting, share my opinions about the same with you all -

See, Slumdog millionaire has one of the MOST, if not THE most brilliant cast of child-actors that any movie could have. Rubina Ali and Azharuddin Ismail, as the childhood versions Freida Pinto and Dev Patel are brilliant. The scene In which Azhar jumps into the pile of excreta to chase Amitabh Bacchan is funny as hell! It sort of depicts the addiction that our countries children as well as grown-ups have with the man. The story is flawless as well as the acting. The direction - Brilliant. The story never bores you (Minus, the last 10 or 15 minutes - where according to me, it gets a little too bollywood-ish for a brit director (Danny Boy‘le - I dunno the spelling) to show). You are throughout the course of it, interested in what’s going to happen next. The whole thing about all the characters speaking in English, including the slum children, works, and works well. This is one worth watching. It may not deserve the Oscar, well, hell no, but it is good. It may not have deserved the golden globe (This according to quite a shocking majority a.k.a “The teenage smart-arses” a.k.a “people-who-think-khaak-THU-goes-synonymous-with-Biharis“) Ok, maybe the last “also known as” is irrelevant. But it is relevant, or at least, to me. See, I didn’t say that for making you laugh, I’m a (self-proclaimed) movie critic, not a comic. I say this cause’ I don’t have jokes, I just have problems. Laughable ones.

Um.

Anyway, back to the review … Slumdog millionaire may not have deserved a Golden Globe, according to YOU, but it GOT the Golden Globe! It’s a foreign award! Quit cribbing like the idiots that you are and realise, that they were NOT looking for your opinions, they gave the award based on theirs! THEY liked it, THEY gave it, YOU, go learn the spelling of millionaire, and don’t come the fuck back!

I do not think I have to mention how good the soundtrack was - The Music Director was A.R.Rehman - Proof that god still exists. If for nothing else, I am overwhelmed that an Indian Music director got the Best Musical Score. I really am, it does give me a sense of national pride. Because see, unlike the teenage smart asses, I like when a deserving candidate gets the award. I am the kind of person who torrents movies like Ghajini (The lead played by Aamir Khan, who acted pretty darn nicely in it and luckily didn‘t speak much throughout the movie, unlike everyone else in it, whom throughout the horrendous course of it, you wished would just shut the fuck up.), just so the box office doesn’t get credited by a few 150 more. Well, uh, I am also the kind of person who downloaded Slumdog Millionaire as well … But I did, for the same reasons, catch it at the movies later on.

Now guess what? Some critics, as well as the average joe teenage smart-asses (a.k.a The “I-can’t-like-it-if-everyone-else-does” a.k.a “I-think-all-biharis’-sound-like-Laloo-so-if-you’re-Bihari-you-are-in fact-Laloo”) Uh, never mind, as I was saying, these critics and kids have voiced their ever so “important” (a.k.a “Stupid”, or to make it easier for the cyber junkies - “S-T-O-O-P-I-D-D”) opinions about some parts of the movie! According to them, Slumdog Millionaire is said to be a “feel-good” film by the director and that there is nothing that makes them feel “good” about the kid jumping into the pile of crap.

Um …

It’s a kid, jumping into a pile of shit. SHIT! You know what SHIT is?! It’s EXCRETA! It’s that thing that comes out of your ASS, for fucks sake! The kid jumped into something that COMES OUT OF YOUR ASS! No actually, it’s worse, in the movie, he jumped into a pile of something that came accumulated out of a LOT OF PEOPLES' ASSES! You’re not SUPPOSED to feel good about it! For fuck’s sake, I don’t even think the kid would’ve felt good about it! He must've felt sick of himself even while acting the scene out! You're actually gonna rate the entire friggin' movie because of one joke you didn't like? Jeez!

While I talk about all this, I must remind these people of a Hollywood movie series - American Pie. You remember that scene in which Stiffler gets peed on? You were laughing your arses off on that one, sahee bola na kameeno?! I mean, the moment he goes back inside the party, he looks at everyone with his sad wet-’n’-white face and goes “I got peed on!” Haar-dee-haar-haar! Compare both the situations now - Guy gets peed on IS funny, but Kid jumps on crap is not? Just because Slumdog is a bigger success? Wow.

Just to be a little frank, even I liked the American Pie series. And I DID laugh and felt disgustedly humored at that same scene, but before you call me a hypocrite, I must also add - I liked the movie … but I was high. That’s the only way movies like Ghajini get kids to watch it in cinemas! You would hardly breathe after 20 minutes of the movie if you were sober… But, when you’re high, and the audience is high, and all the actors seem high, the Box Office returns will also be high! But you can’t do the same with Slumdog millionaire! It’s obvious that you in your narrow minded, (further narrowed by the dope) self proclaimed, “unique” mind would come out with only THREE words to describe the movies negativity -

“Dude, it sucked.”

There’s just this one last point that I want to put forth to you. I read this in another negative review … In one part in the beginning of the article, the critic said that “Danny Boyle has depicted the slums of India to be an exultant place. As if the children there are always looking at the sunny side of life. This is a wrong depiction of the actual situations of their slums. It is not a happy place, the kids there are not cheery. Unlike in the movie, where you almost feel good that at least the children are having fun” Now, this was an intelligent observation ... He continued by making really true, un-arguable points [you all know where to find this article, i'm sure ;)] I thought that he was making a good point, and I thought that he might actually be on to something … But just at the end of the article, this smart-ass wrote “Danny Boy’le said that it’s a feel good film, but I disagree. There is nothing to feel good about it. It depressed me rather”

Now, observe carefully … He first said that he felt that the depiction of the slum-life in India by the director was too cheerful, that he felt GOOD that in the movie, the children were happy. Then, for some godforsaken reason, he goes on to say that he disagrees with the director when the director says that Slumdog is a “feel good” film.

*drum roll*

Then why the FUCK would you say that it cheered you up, bitch?! Is that your idea of a joke?! Do YOU know that you just contradicted your own point in your own article?! Is your train of thought still boarding at the station?! Who passed you the dope?!

So, anyway, no matter how much fun I like to poke at self-contradictory idiots, I would still say once again, that it may have deserved the Golden Globes, but an Oscar Nomination? Um, maybe not. Still, if just by hearing these last few sentences sets you off against the movie, I must remind you that The Oscars are sort of like the American version of our very own IIFA awards … Where movies like Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna et all win most of the major awards. I must end this article now, by asking you to watch this one, to your own opinions, and not listen to the biased pee-brains.

Final Review:-

Acting - 10/10 for all the child actors. 8/10 - Frieda Pinto and Dev Patel.

Story - 9/10 - Been there, done that, but only in bollywood, and yet not in the same way.

‘Feel’ Factor - 8/10

P.s - Don’t watch Ghajini, let them not get any more of their undeserved super-profits!